Repression
by Bleeding Destruction
Summary: Raye Penber was an average teenager, that is, until he failed to prevent his parent's deaths. Now, at sixteen, he's left alone to raise his ill sister. No one seems to notice his suffering, and if they do, they don't care. No one seems to care about the teenager. Pre-series. Can fit into canon. Warning: Triggers for self-harm and suicide in later chapters. No pairings.
1. Chapter 1: Happy Sixteenth!

_Title: Repression_

_By: Bleeding Destruction_

_Began: June 8, 2013_

_Summary: Raye Penber was an average teenager. Until he failed to prevent his parent's deaths. Now, at sixteen, he's left alone to raise his ill sister. No one seems to notice his lack of memories, and if they do, they don't care. No one seems to care about the teenager. Pre-series. Can fit into canon._

_Warnings: Triggers for self-harm and suicide._

_Author's Notes: I recieved a request for this on my Raye Penber roleplay blog, and fell in love with the idea immediately. Thus, this story was born. I intend for the chapters to get longer, but the first few will be short. I don't expect this to be ridiculously long, but I foresee at least 10,000 words. Well, enjoy!_

* * *

Chapter One: Happy Sixteenth!

"It's not everyday you turn sixteen!" His mother had chirped.

Those were the last words Raye ever heard her speak. He regretted ever asking for a birthday party. Because everything went downhill that day.

If his mother hadn't gone out to pick up some of his friends for the party, he wouldn't be watching his premature baby sister in a cradle, covered in tubes and struggling to live.

His mother and his best friend would still be alive.

His best friend had collided head on with her car as she left their home and he arrived, driving much faster than he should've been.

His sister had been cut out of his mother's dead body.

As much as the thought repulsed him, he still loved his sister. He still wanted to hold the baby girl in his arms and whisper to her that he loved her, and that she was beautiful.

That was his sister, his Aiko, and he loved her. He would give her all the love that his mother couldn't anymore.

Later that night, Raye's father quit his job, and Raye's own job search began.

His sixteen birthday was supposed to be a dream.

But instead it was just a nightmare.

A living nightmare.


	2. Chapter 2: If You'd Just Stop

_**Title:**__ Repression_

_**By:**__ Bleeding Destruction_

_**Began**__: June 10, 2013_

_**Summary:**__ Raye Penber was an average teenager. Until he failed to prevent his parent's deaths. Now, at sixteen, he's left alone to raise his ill sister. No one seems to notice his lack of memories, and if they do, they don't care. No one seems to care about the teenager. Pre-series. Can fit into canon._

_**Warnings**__: Triggers for self-harm and suicide._

_**Author's Notes**__: June 10, 2013: I finally wrote the next two chapters for this late last night. So hopefully I'll have time to type both but I have to finish my summer Spanish class first. Well, I hope you all enjoy!_

_July 24, 2013: Well, I still haven't finished my Spanish class. Oh well, instead of doing the things that I should be doing, I'm going to finish this. I'm sorry for the wait; I've been stressed out and depressed lately._

Chapter Two: If You'd Just Stop

Things only got harder after the death of Raye's mother. Raye essentially became the sole breadwinner of his family. His father seemed to only be capable of alcoholism and sleeping.

Raye knew his father was depressed, but he had no sympathy. How could he? He was barely sixteen, and here he was, working a full-time job, caring for his sister who was always ill, and acing all his high school classes, and all his father did was steal his hard-earned money and get drunk.

Raye was stressed out, to put it mildly. He was getting less than three hours of sleep a night, and still getting over the death of his mother and best friend as he did all this work.

He had no time to socialize, and even if he did, he was losing all his friends and fighting with everyone.

He would always blame himself for that day. His father got drunk again, and the bartender with whom Raye was becoming all too familiar called Raye to pick up his father.

Needless to say, Raye was furious.

"We don't have this kind of money, Dad! You're spending over 200 bucks on alcohol a week! You're slowly killing us all. We cannot afford this." Raye shouted the entire car ride home, playing the part of the parent when he should have been the one behaving more like a child.

He was sick of it. He didn't have the time or energy to care for himself, his sister, and his father. And for God's sake, he shouldn't have to do have of what he was doing. But the next day, he would forever regret those words. He would never forgive himself for yelling at his father like that.

Because the next morning, Raye found his father hanging from the rafters.


	3. Chapter 3: Note

_**Title:**__ Repression_

_**By:**__ Bleeding Destruction_

_**Began**__: July 24, 2013_

_**Summary:**__ Raye Penber was an average teenager. Until he failed to prevent his parent's deaths. Now, at sixteen, he's left alone to raise his ill sister. No one seems to notice his lack of memories, and if they do, they don't care. No one seems to care about the teenager. Pre-series. Can fit into canon._

_**Warnings:**__ Triggers for self-harm and suicide._

_**Author's Notes:**__ July 24, 2013: Well, I've began the third chapter, and this one I fully intend to finish in one day. Except it's kinda hard with Raye plotting my death and watching Durarara! with me xD He yells almost as much as I do when we watch TV together xD Although, I'm going to wait just a bit to upload it._

* * *

Chapter Three: Note

Raye's father left a note on the coffee table, not that it helped the teen come to terms with another death in his family.

_Dear Raye,_

_I have caused you and your sister enough pain. Better for me to die slowly than quickly. Saves us all the pain, yeah?_

Raye's blue-gray eyes teared up at that. He had influenced this. He knew now that this was his fault. This was his fault. His fault, his fault, _his fault_. He was reason both his parents were dead now.

_I have not been such a good parent to you, Raye._

But Raye didn't agree. Sure, his father had failed to provide for them in the past few months, but Raye still loved his father. And now he was dead._ Dead_. And it was because of him._ His_ fault.

_I never spent a lot of time with you when you were young._

But it had been good enough for Raye! Why hadn't he ever told his father that?_ Why_? Regret washed over the dark-haired teen like a wave.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry I gave up when you needed me the most. I'm so sorry. But I can't watch you suffer like this. I can't live without your mother. I'm sorry._

_Love,_

_Dad_

_'But I can't live without you and Mom!_' Raye wanted to wail, but no sound would come out. He stood there for several minutes, holding the note with trembling fingers, blue-gray eyes wide in horror, blue-gray eyes_ just like his father's_, fixated on the limp, hanging form. Finally, his jaw dropped as he let out a bloodcurdling scream, waking Aiko, as he fell to the floor on his knees, sobbing. And for the first time in the baby's short life, her cries were ignored in favor of Raye's form-wracking sobs. Raye sobbed and screamed until his throat was raw and his voice nearly gone.

Then, with great effort, Raye went to pick up Aiko, and grabbed the matches off the mantle. He held the baby as he lit the note on fire, and grit out hoarsely, "Shh, Ai-chan, Daddy's just gone on a trip. Just a trip."

He didn't seem to notice the ambulance carrying the body away.

"Daddy will be back soon."

And if anyone ever asked about Raye's father after that, he always responded that the older man was on a trip and would return soon.

The lie originally told to soothe a child became a truth for Raye. Became a lifeline.

And Raye would cling to that lie until his own dying breath.


	4. Chapter 4: Hatred

_**Title:**__ Repression_

_**By:**__ Bleeding Destruction_

_**Began: **__August 6, 2013_

_**Summary:**__ Raye Penber was an average teenager. Until he failed to prevent his parent's deaths. Now, at sixteen, he's left alone to raise his ill sister. No one seems to notice his lack of memories, and if they do, they don't care. No one seems to care about the teenager. Pre-series. Can fit into canon._

_**Warnings: **__Triggers for self-harm and suicide._

_**Author's Notes: **__This chapter pisses me off. It's probably the shortest yet, except for perhaps the first. But I was very happy with the first because I liked the emotions I felt that I was able to convey. This one was just hard to write and ugh aljdaf;ljd;fa! It was just really fucking hard to write, okay?_

* * *

_Chapter Four: Hatred:_

Aiko smiled at her brother as he carried her to the car. "Time for your doctor's appointment!" Raye cooed, forcing as much false cheer into his voice as he could. The baby just laughed and reached out with hands much smaller than they should've been at her age.

Today meant nothing for the now six-month-old baby. But for Raye, it was the six-month anniversary for his mother's death.

Six months ago, his life went to hell, and it was all his fault.

And Raye wanted to hate his sister for reminding him of his mother dying and his father _leaving_. He wanted to hate Aiko. He wanted to so badly, but he couldn't. He couldn't and he hated himself for it. Then again, he hated himself for a lot of things. One more thing shouldn't matter so much, but it was shameful of him to want to hate his sister- his baby sister, who was innocent and pure and had never hurt anyone in her life.

So unlike Raye, who was evil and dirtied and had destroyed his family on a day that should have been cheerful.

He hated that Aiko was the one thing standing between Raye and becoming nothing but a giant ball of self-hatred and pity. He hated that he wanted to die and he would never be able to do that to his sister. He couldn't leave her alone.

Everyone left him. No one cared. And even so, Raye couldn't do the same to someone else, even if that someone wouldn't remember it.


	5. Chapter 5: Desperation

_**Title:**__ Repression_

_**By:**__ Bleeding Destruction_

_**Began: **__October 13, 2013_

_**Summary:**__ Raye Penber was an average teenager, that is, until he failed to prevent his parent's deaths. Now, at sixteen, he's left alone to raise his ill sister. No one seems to notice his suffering, and if they do, they don't care. No one seems to care about the teenager. Pre-series. Can fit into canon._

_**Warnings: **__Triggers for self-harm and suicide._

_**Author's Notes: **__I'm especially pleased with this chapter, so I have very little to say save for please read and review if you like :)_

XXXXXX

Chapter Five: Desperation:

Raye drove to the hospital in silence. It was December 31. His seventeenth birthday; Aiko's first birthday. A year ago, he had ruined everything. A year ago, he had killed his mother.

And now? Now Aiko was sick. Again. The doctors said she might not pull through this time. Raye didn't think he could bare it if his sister died. She was all he had left, after all. He'd thrown away all his friendships to care for Aiko and mourn his mother's death and father's _departure_.

He'd given up everything he'd had in terms of friendship and romance, and Raye didn't know what he'd do if she died. He didn't want to imagine it.

However, part of him would be relieved, no matter how much he wanted to deny it. He would be able to put himself first for once… But he'd also be alone.

Completely and utterly alone.

He was more desperate to keep his sister rather than lose her.

Raye was afraid that if she died nothing would hold him back. Nothing would stop him from killing himself.

Raye secretly wondered just how crazy he'd have to be to be put in an asylum.

Because he was surely getting pretty damn close. The dark haired teen suddenly reached over to turn his radio on, letting some loud rock song pound into his ears and take away his thoughts.

Turning the wheel sharply, he pulled into a parking spot. He knew he ought to rust into the hospital and go visit Aiko.

But all he could bring himself to do was let the music wash over him and drive away the sadness that had made itself at home in Raye's soul. It soothed him to hear the music. If only it could heal him.


End file.
